3. 4. 2011: The success of the Steven Spielberg movie “Speechless” and the Oscar winning actor Tom Cruise has received for his role in the movie as “the invisible guy who can’t talk”, had left the Academy Award winning director speechless. Apparently, he suffered from temporary speech disorder for several months after the movie was released. He recovered only after the Academy Awards were declared last night and Mr. Spielberg chose the Badmovies.com journalist Katie Kidman to give his first interview to. Here are the excerpts:
Katie: Mr. Spielberg, how do you feel right now?
Steven: Well, I’ve been better of course. But I feel great! It’s kinda like the feeling when you are drowning in a barrel full of slimy stuff and suddenly wake up to find out that you were just having a bad dream!
K: Have you ever had any nightmares like that?
S: Not specifically, no! But one time, Tom tried to drown me in a barrel full of slimy stuff which were going to be used as alien blood… it was worse than a nightmare, actually!
K: Oh, my gosh! Why on earth did Tom Cruise try to drown you?
S: It was nothing, actually! Tom was in a usual schizophrenic fit again when he assumed that every woman in the set was Katie Holmes. So, he started kissing anyone and everyone. He touched a nerve when he started jumping on the delicate sets of my movie, assuming them to be couches on the “Oprah Show”, of course! That’s when I tried to stop him. He assumed me to be Christian Bale (you know, the guy who played ‘Batman’ in “Batman Begins”) and tried to drown me… all the while yelling “You kissed my wife… you kissed my wife!” But after a while, he recovered and became the same old Tom again, “innocent and stupid.”
K: That’s the thing we like about him, don’t we? Tell us about working with him in “Speechless”?
S: Oh, it was a great experience. We had some rifts and issues during the shoot of “Minority Report” and “War of the Worlds”, but “Speechless” was completely different. We bonded beautifully on the sets. He’s got a great sense of humor! He didn’t create a single problem during the entire shoot (which, frankly speaking, I thought was beyond Tom’s capability). He arrived on time, didn’t bring Katie like a backpack and didn’t even argue with me when I took prescription drugs for depression (because the movie was turning out to be a disaster, of course!).
K: Wait, you told me in your last interview that Tom wasn’t needed during the shooting of the movie at all?
S: Of course he wasn’t needed! In fact, he was off to the Vatican to supervise the shoot of Katie’s new film… aah, I’m forgetting the name… it’s got the word “virgin” in it, that’s why Tom’s letting Katie do the movie, I think… anyway, he was off to Europe… and that was the only reason I liked Tom so well this time, you know!
K: And how did you think Tom acted so well in this film? After all, all we thought he was good at was marrying women taller than him, splitting with them after ten years and being a part of superflops?
S: Yes, those are a few things he’s great at. I never thought acting was his forte, but I daresay, he proved me wrong this time around. I remember this particular scene where he’s sitting at an old armchair and is smoking (the viewers, of course, can only see an empty, rocking armchair, a cigarette hanging in mid-air and an occasional puff of white smoke), thinking about the woman he loves. We can’t see his face… but any viewer with a great sense of imagination (or an undying adoration of Tom, like the person reading this interview) can picture Tom’s silent, yet tragic expression… he’s a great actor (and I’m the greatest goddamn visual effects genius), that’s all I have to say.
K: How do you rate Tom as a person? Off the sets, of course!
S: Apart from being a loving father, a weird husband and a lousy actor, I think Tom has a great business sense as well. I was in total awe when he divorced his wife Nicole Kidman just before their marriage could be a decade-old. He not only got rid of the tall Australian, but also saw to it that he didn’t have to pay her anything (because their marriage had not crossed the ten-year mark, of course). He’s a genius… a complete genius!!!
K: Any plans of a future project with Tom?
S: Of course, I’m going to do a special feature (sort of like a documentary) that will be titled “Working without Tom”. It’ll be a tribute to the great actor that he is not! We’ll be highlighting the advantages of not taking Tom Cruise in a movie. The movie is guaranteed to be a success, simply because we are not casting Tom Cruise, you know!
K: Finally-
S: No more, please! I have to leave for the “Oprah Show” right now! See you later, okay?
K: Wait, is Tom going with you?
S: (smiles) Of course he is. After all, he is the star of the movie. But I can’t risk another “Oprah Show” fiasco, so I’m taking the “invisible and silent” version of my dear friend Tom. Have a nice day!
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