GEORGE W. BUSH ON HIS ‘WAR AGAINST GLOBAL WARMING’

5. 16. 2010: It has been seen, down the years, that US senators and former Presidents have embarked upon social duty way beyond other’s expectations (and let’s face it: their capabilities!) after they resign or alienate themselves from their high-profile jobs. Almost following in the footsteps of compatriot Al Gore, who lost to him in the 2000 elections, former US President George W. Bush has decided to launch his very own movement in ‘saving the environment’- calling it “War Against Global Warming”. But unlike Mr. Gore, who received support from all quarters for his persistent efforts at educating people about Global Warming and its possible ill-effects, Bush is receiving widespread condemnation for his speeches and actions. Here’s what Mr. Bush had to say to our special correspondent Laura Ozone in an exclusive interview.

Laura: Thank you so much, Mr. Bush, for taking out your time for us and our readers.
Bush: (smiling) It’s entirely my pleasure.

L: So, Mr. Bush, have you been surprised at the disapprovals your policies have faced in the recent past regarding your “War Against Global Warming” movement?
B: Surprised, no! I have experience of facing disapprovals for my policies before… it wasn’t a surprise, actually!

L: But it must have been a little unnerving since Al Gore received so many accolades for his work! He even won the Nobel Prize!
B: Yeah, well, firstly, I’m not doing this for any prizes or anything! I’m doing this because I love the env—(pauses) envirom—(fumbles)

L: Environment-
B: Yes, that! And it doesn’t matter to me whether I win any Novel prizes for that!

L: But surely, such a show of respect and appreciation like the Nobel prize acts as a wonderful motivation. After all, who doesn’t like a thumbs-up for a job well done?
B: (A little confused) Wait a minute, here… are you sure Al Gore won the Novel Prize? Don’t you have to write a novel for that? I mean, (a little smug) I know people think I’m stupid and all, but that’s just a common misconception, you see!

L: (taken aback) Well, let’s move on to our prime questions, shall we? Let me begin with the accusations poured against you- to start off, your move of approaching the Congress for attacking Iraq (again) for environmental reasons was considered to be the joke of the century!
B: (pointing a finger at Laura) Listen to me, dear… I’m not the sort of person who do (sic) something without thinking about it twice. I know for a fact that the Iraqis, under their new US-supported regime, is (sic) concealing WMDs a.k.a. Weapons of Mass Degradation! They’re planning to pollute the world’s water bodies by administering hydrogen oxide in abnormal quantities. I’ve got material proof to show they are planning a… (thinking for a term!) homicidal attack on the environmental… (thinking for a term, again!) people… you know, the plants and fish and animals and horses and African Americans and Mexicans… and we, the humans as well… us Americans! They’re launching a dual attack on man and nature alike… and it’s time we join forces to stage a counterstrike!

L: (cautiously) Mr. Bush, you do realize that Hydrogen Oxide is actually water itself, don’t you?
B: (confident as ever) Ah, come on, Laura! You are a journalist. Don’t try to be a scientist, for god’s sakes! And you do need to brush-up your high school science facts. Hydrogen Oxide is an acid! And Hydrogen Chloride happens to be water! (He ends, smiling)

L: Okay… (barely restraining herself) so, moving on, what weapons do you reckon the Iraqis have to kill “the plants and fish and animals and horses and African Americans and Mexicans… and we, the humans”, quoting you of course!
B: Well, we don’t know for sure, of course! The Iraqi government is refusing my environmental soldiers of “War on Global Warming” to penetrate the veils of their regime and unearth solid evidences to prove them guilty! But we still have, from and inside, patriotic and highly reliable source who has internetted (sic) us pictures of those weapons! (Bush pulls out a picture and gives it to Laura) You can publish that if you want to!

Laura looks at the picture! It’s an advertisement picture of Bush holding a globe and smiling, with the caption reading, “Save earth with me, donate money to our trust fund by calling 1-800-Bush-Sucks”!

B: Oops! Wrong one… was supposed to be for publicity, but had to cancel it for the spelling mistake. It spelled Sucks instead of Bucks (he pulls out another picture)

It’s evidently a picture of a child’s plastic toy machine gun! And an Indian looking kid is stylishly posing with it, with his mother cuddling him fondly! Inadvertently, the gun is pointing towards a flower vase on a nearby shelf in the picture!

L: (had almost enough) This… is… your evidence?
B: I know, it’s shocking! Little kids being encouraged by their mothers to destroy the earth (sigh!). We are yet to identify the lethal effects of this particular weapon that’s put on display by the child terrorist, because we still don’t have direct access to Iraq as such. But I’m optimistic. Hope isn’t lost yet, as long as we wage on the War against global Warming!

L: Okay, Mr. Bush, to round it off for today, what can you tell me about your other plans regarding War on Global Warming?
B: We have quite a few agendas on our hands. We have planned a way to reduce the effects of Global warming by installing an air cooler in every home in even the third world Asian and African countries like Mexico… and again, it’s been said that major cities of the world will be submerged in a few decades. We have a way of countering that, of course! We will propose to launch a new war… and this time, we’ll call this “War against engulfing Oceans!” Pretty catchy, isn’t it? (Bush winks.) Finally, we will be petitioning the Congress to send an expert team of experts to mend the Ozone layer… you know, fill up the CFC hole and stuff, the way we dig and fill up holes to bury dead horses in my Texas ranch… and my friend Frederick Wilson’s company would be glad to do it at a very reduced price… (Bush, the soon-to-be savior of the world, smiles)